January 2012
4 posts
Blessed are the Cheesemakers
A well known local cheesemaker walks into the clinic, a quick examination of her notes reveals her cholesterol is sky high, but she denies eating fattening things. A silent stalemate fills the place as the elephant in the room shifts about uneasily. The doctor decides to go for it.
“Well that certainly is a puzzle Mrs. Dempsey…. how about dairy products?”
“Let me think,...
Baby medicine (medicine for babies, not carried...
Nine months of planning and hoping and dreaming, maybe longer, maybe even years of it. Babies are the embodiment of pure potential; each one a blank little person with endless possibilities. Hospitals and parents go to extraordinary lengths to ensure that this potential is preserved. These ideal human beings receive ideal forms of...
The room is colourful. Everyone is in their socks on a play mat, looking at the four year old.
“I think we’re done with our assessment for now, the physio and Speech and Language therapist will be in to chat with Jamie in just a moment.”
—-awkward mental search for small talk——-
“So Jamie… did Santa visit?”
Jamie shakes his head, and hides...
Epiphany
In some parts of Ireland the 6th of January is known as Little Christmas, or Women’s Christmas or Women’s Little Christmas. I haven’t really seen anything done about it before but it must be a big deal here. Last night Cork was filled with women. Every corner had a crowd of them and every restaurant was packed with them. Pudgy hands diving for more prawn crackers. A sea of fur...
December 2011
3 posts
"Show me URL and I'll show you mine"
Naturally I panicked. That’s the last time I go to a blogging convention.
ER
Before the ambulance crew arrives, everyone knows the outcome. Pulseless rhythm for more than 20 mins is not a good sign, the patient is rushed into the resus room. The arrest team go through the drill. When they are sure nothing can be done, students and anyone else who feels like it, are encouraged to give chest compressions a go, it’s a great training opportunity. Resuscitation! A...
November 2011
3 posts
Samuel in the Sauna
Dad has been going to the pool in recent months to try improve circulation to a bad leg. But in the last week something odd has been happening.
- Well one day I didn’t feel like swimming so I went to the steam room. I couldn’t see a thing in there, but I sat down. I was startled when this voice came up from a big puff of steam. The voice says he’s Latvian and engages me in...
Face to the pubes
Face to the pubes is a legitimate expression in the world of birthing, it indicates that the baby is in a less than optimal position when crowning. Ideally the face should be to the ground when entering the world. Babies aspiring to a view of the stars are termed “Face to the Pubes”.
Personal grooming “down there” has always been a source of great confusion to me… no...
Creation
In the amazing world of artificial insemination (AI or IVF or call it what you will) large amounts of a particular hormone is needed. This hormone is FSH. Oddly enough it is a hormone which appears at high levels in the urine of post menopausal women.
When IVF first started out they used to send milk lorries (US translation: trucks) to collect urine from Italian convents (a wonderful source of...
October 2011
1 post
Surely this should be on a bumper sticker?
Recently on an opthamology rotation….
“Well Rosemary, I don’t think the cataracts are going to get any better but we’ll just have to hope for the best.”
“It’s hard to be optimistic when you’ve got misty optics.”
September 2011
3 posts
I don't know what time it is where you are but....
It’s half one in the morning here in Cork. I have insisted that Fred shower. He’s doing that now. After several rounds of tequila he jumped into the river Lee and swam its breadth and back. (against all advice) The Lee is dirty. I feel sorry for his underwear as it is still floating in there-making its way to the Atlantic now.
…It all reminds me of Helene’s 24th birthday...
Nosey.
-What causes nasal polyps?
-HPV.
-Wrong. What does HPV cause?
-Ehhhh?
-Oropharyngeal tumours. How do you get HPV in your mouth?
-Oral sex?
-Correct. So…unless the kids these days decide to stick penises up their noses, HPV does not cause nasal polyps.
Dead men's tales...
Two hours of lectures from the state pathologist this week were as expected: really gruesome photographs punctuated by hilarious anecdotes. We even got to play a game of “Suicide or Homicide?” where she showed us a picture and we had to guess what type of death it was.
She told us of a time when she was sent bones that had washed up in Kerry that were transported in a lovely coffin...
August 2011
1 post
Marathon Man
Everyone knows that Fred runs the Marathon in Cork. Every year he does it and every year the day ends in the emergency room in Cork’s Mercy Hospital.
Last year while holding fifth position and running beside Sonia O’Suillivan
he became unconscious mid-stride due to dehydration and sugar depletion. He says he knew his dreams of finishing in a good time were dashed when he woke up to...
July 2011
2 posts
Barry and Alma
The London cafe is humming around us and Barry tells me about how he met Alma.
-I met her while I was working for the census, she was the last apartment I had to survey in this crappy block called Naas house. I got a real kick out of asking the residents if they had any idea what Naas was. Used it as a bit of an ice-breaker.
-Did any of them know?
-Nah.
-Were they interested?
-Not really.
...
Predatory Word-Play
The holidays provide an opportunity to hear how other people are getting on in other courses. This is one of the odder experiences recounted to me over the past week.
A nerdy professor had tapped into his supreme talent for making nerdy jokes to seduce women, he knew what he was and was no longer embarrassed by it. When a female colleague would enter the lecture theatre he would awkwardly lurk in...
June 2011
1 post
May 2011
6 posts
Some thinking out loud.
If you try to point something out to a cat, a modernist masterpiece for instance, they will look at the tip of your finger and not the painting. I don’t think it’s because they’re uninterested.
Is it weird that we look in the direction indicated and not the finger. How do we know to do this?
We were at the theatre last night and I was thinking about the lighting. The audience...
Current affairs
He came, he said we could, and we all felt better. We watched our Taoiseach slightly foaming at the mouth with nervous bouts of too-loud laughter presenting him with a pint of Guinness; promptly snatching it out of his hand to thrust him a hurl; then grabbing that out of his hand, shoving the hurl into the pint glass - giving it a stir - and then throwing the whole cocktail back at him again with...
Poker Face
Bone marrow biopsies go crunch. I can’t do anything about the face I make when I hear it. It’s a gruesome noise. Crunch - the soft red honeycomb of a bone’s innards. Sometimes you’d need a poker face.
Recently I got to stick a needle into a scrotum and draw out the fluid. It was satisfying. Like a spot that you could just keep on popping. I think I was smiling as the...
Every weekday Mrs Murphy...
Every weekday Mrs. Murphy gets up, prays and dresses herself.
Every weekday Mrs. Murphy has her breakfast of burnt porridge and hurries out to catch the minibus to the community centre.
Every weekday Mrs. Murphy gets picked up by the minibus (that was blessed by the minister of transport) from the bus stop beside White’s cross which is two hundred metres from her bungalow.
Every weekday...
Skype's the limit.
Dad and Mum have finally got skype to work. Mum was on first- it took awhile to focus the camera on her face and away from her maternal breast. I asked her did she watch the royal wedding. “Of course not, how could you think I would watch something so superficial?”
“Oh. Well, I did- I really enjoyed it.”
Then Dad came on, placing the headset and microphone carefully over...
Don't Pigeon Hole Me
The first all-you-can-eat restaurant I ever went to was in America, the group I was with was American and they laughed at me when I tried to use the same plate to get more food. (You have to get a new plate each time. I still don’t know why.) At the dessert trolley a very small child came dashing towards me and narrowly avoided a collision with my legs.
“Be careful, chicken.” I...
April 2011
6 posts
Virginity (My Homework)
A lady of 37 years came in to discuss smear tests with her GP. She asked is it necessary to get done and then shyly explained that she was not sexually active.
The doctor asked, a little quickly perhaps, “Never?”
“Never.”
She looked down as she replied. She was embarrassed. I don’t know if she was embarrassed to be talking about her sexual habits in general or whether she was embarrassed that...
Undoubtedly a future Penguin Classic...
The following is an extract from the erotic novel I am currently working on:
————————————————————
As he sat astride her chest he could feel her nipples brushing the inside of his thighs. His erect penis was hovering only a few inches from her slightly opened mouth. He hoped...
I recieved this submission...
kitey: the state of being high - comes from the expression “high as a kite” and can usually be used widely without true meaning being known
1.) We’re going to get real kitey later tonight - you in? 2.) That motherfucker was kitey as hell… he ate three bags of chips by himself last night!
[Extract from the Urban Dictionary]
Priorities
The gel goes on the distended belly and the gizmo is pressed in against it. After a few moments of static we can all hear the baby’s heart beat. Damn it- it’s amazing. It’s the first time I’ve heard this and I start grinning and getting explosive feelings in my stomach. Then I realise I’m tearing up. The pregnant lady has already had four children. “Is this your...
Two sisters
Whereas Eileen had only married once her sister Jo had married thrice. Jo was just like that. Jo the extravagant baby of the family and Eileen the prudish elder child. Jo had been the one who suggested they join the seamen’s mission- a dance held on Sunday evenings (tea and sandwiches provided) to give young sailors an alternative to the embraces of fallen women while they were on shore...
Outsourcing
You’re in good hands, he’s the best facial surgeon in the world.
He’s a foreign chap, isn’t he? What makes him so good?
His hands. They’re tiny. You know what they say: tiny hands, tiny stitches. They recruited him from a sweat shop in north west Burma you know.
Pardon?
Oh yes, absolutely. You know the football they used in the world cup final in 2006? He stitched...
March 2011
8 posts
Biggus Dickus
One thing I hate about medicine is the use of words that patients won’t understand. This is ostensibly so that we can talk about them in the most unflattering terms right under their noses. We talk about myocardial infarctions instead of heart attacks, refer to high BMIs instead of obesity and talk about ethanol intake instead of alcoholism. This secret language is all part of the...
The Bedside Manner
It’s a habit of my male friends to bemoan visits to the barber shop. They’re an effeminate bunch (my friends not the barbers) who know nothing about sports and find themselves awkwardly trying to fake some knowledge of “the match last night”. This usually ends in their unmasking and a sense of alienation from the rest of mankind. Some of them even try to study a little...
Xenophobia (my homework)
In the smaller general hospitals the number of doctors working on site who did not have English as their first language struck me. Although the majority of doctors at consultant level in Clonmel are Irish, less than a quarter of the more junior staff are. I do not understand the politics of Irish hospitals and so I am left with numerous questions about these micro-societies: why are Irish doctors...
Gloves on.
The anaesthetist tells me to grab some gloves.
“What size do you take?
“Medium.”
“Really? You look like a small.”
He’s right, I’m a small but I can’t get them on when I’m nervous. Last week while entering a room containing a frightened and senile, old man I was struggling to get a pair of small-sized gloves on. Fingers spread upwards,...
Warning: A very sad story
I remember a particular patient called Sean from my secretarial days. On his first appearance at the clinic he was clutching his abdomen in agony and half cursing and crying. On his second visit he was still in enormous pain but they decided to run more tests. On the third visit he was asked to bring a friend with him: the doctor had to tell him he had AIDS. But he didn’t bring a friend...
One Last Big Statement
Today I met the brother of an Irish sculptor by the name of John Burke. It came up incidently: the man was in at an outpatient clinic and another student was taking notes on his medical history. At the family history of illness he told us he had a brother who was dead, and that since we were students in cork we might know one of his sculptures. He described it and as it turns out it was my...
Confessions of a Priest - Part Two.
I have to confess something else… after my hip went, I decided to go see a man in Kilkenny who was supposed to be good with the race-horses. He told me to stand up with my hands up on the wall… Well I don’t know what he did but it felt as though he was bending my leg back up over my shoulder. Now the hip is worse than ever.
Father Tommy’s account of his visit to a rural...
Confessions of a Priest.
-FATHER TOMMY! Your blood sugars are extremely high, I’m going to have to get a doctor to look at this.
-I was wondering about that, is it a problem if they get high?
-Well, I don’t want to alarm you Father but… you could go into a coma AND DIE!
-Oh. I have been feeling sleepy recently…
-That’s exactly the beginning of it. Hmmm… would you have biscuits at...
February 2011
9 posts
a portrait
There was a funeral in Gorey today of a local painter. Notorious amongst his own community, but a little less so on a national level. I doubt very much if he´s known abroad. But Ireland is a small place: it was whispered that U2 had sent a wreath and my Dad swears he saw “the fat bloke from the Commitments” in the graveyard.
So who was he? I couldn´t tell you but I do remember the...
filial fidelity
My brother failed his driving test because he drove through a red light. My mum thinks the examiner was being overly critical.
riazm asked: My sandwiches have been tasting too good recently. I eat one for breakfast and I eat one for lunch. For supper, I toast one. When I sleep, I dream of sandwiches, of bread, of sharp knives cutting down into lettuce. On more than one occasion I've woken up choking, in my hand? A sandwich, one that I don't remember making. I've fallen behind at work, all I can think of is garnishes....
Rubbishness
An email from Margaret alerted me to the general rubbishness of her current life.
“My lecturer humiliated me in front of the whole class, I have three essays due, my housemates won´t let me play the piano during the day, I think I´m getting a chest infection, I can´t get my head around the hip …AND my sandwiches haven´t been tasting any good recently.”
I was obviously concerned...
Heroism
I encountered a group of people huddled around a man with a bleeding head lying on the street a few weeks ago. There were five of them there. I was about to walk by but it quickly became obvious that they didn’t know what to do with him. They were standing around him with useful items but not touching him. I went up and picked up the tea towel they had oddly placed in the pool of blood...
2 tags
Waiting.
Someone said to me yesterday that I could now tick off “climbing Ireland’s highest mountain” on my list of things to do before I die. It was never on my list. I don’t have a list. I told them this. They politely suggested I make one promptly, put it on the list and tick it anyway. I think Ireland only has four mountains. A mountain by definition has to be more than 1000m, I...
Thought of the day...
There are several ways of looking at the patients in a hospital. Thinking of them as captive storytellers is probably the best one.
Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.
I’ve borrowed this testimonial about an encounter with a rural farmer in Tipperary (RFIT) from one of the guys in my class (GIMC).
GIMC “So can you tell me why you came in today?”
RFIT “I actually feel much better, but I didn’t want to be rude and not turn up for the appointment.”
GIMC “Oh, thanks. Well, what was the trouble then?”
RFIT...
January 2011
9 posts
Breasts
I sat in on a breast reduction today. It was one of the most upsetting things I’ve seen to date. Breasts are socially, historically, physically things of such beauty. To see one in ribbons was awful. The once big plump orbs now turned inside out with a nipple sadly attached in a flimsy manner, hanging on by a thread of flesh. (Don’t worry, they put the breast back together and it...
Female thinking
A: Thanks for the loan of the tent, sorry I took so long to get it back to you.
B: No worries, did you have fun on the trip?
A: Yeah, it was great, it was lovely by the lough… Eh, I sort of have a confession to make…
B: Yeeeeessss?
A: I did something sort of crazy. I found a pair of Elaine’s bikini bottoms in the tent and I put them away in a bag to give back to you, but they...
Give us today our daily bread.
I met a man today who was diagnosed with coeliac disease some forty years ago. That means he has to avoid bread, or more precisely, he has to avoid gluten. He told me about some of the challenges he has faced with his restricted diet.
Well, it meant I couldn’t have cake for a start, imagine that: no cake! or any of my sister’s brown bread and she used to win competitions with the...